Harry Potter and the Big City Slider Station
by Ron and Harry
Summary: Hogwarts gets an unexpected new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. With his rival as the Potions teacher, what kind of crazy shenanigans will Harry and the gang get in to now? -I think you should read this.- HIATUS
1. Arriving At Hogwartz

**Disclaimer: WE DUN OWN THE P-GUY**

**Sup guys, Potter here, comin' at you with a fanfiction of epic proportions. As always, this fanfiction will be co-written with Weasley. Make sure you're holdin' on to something, for this fanfiction will blow. You. Away. Alright, cool. Here we go, man.**

"Nnnnrrgh." Harry sat up and rubbed his eyes groggily. He looked around and found himself on one of the comfortable compartments on the Hogwarts Express. He must have fallen asleep because the last thing he remembered was settling in the compartment with Ron and Hermione and the train just starting to move. Now they were well into their trip, the sky got darker and the rays of the sunset kissed upon the rolling hills and streams.

He fixed his glasses, they were sitting at an awkward angle due to his sleep, and looked over at Hermione who was getting some early studying done, and Ron who was asleep. Mmm, Ron. Harry licked his lips at the thought of the ginger headed boy.

'No Harry, push those horrid thoughts out of your head before you lose control.' Harry sighed, remembering the last time he lost control of his hormones, and Dudley's screaming pleads for help. Harry had just finished watching Twilight, and the super ultra mega beauty of the Cullen family set him off. Especially the fact that Edward looked a lot like, in fact almost identical to, Cedric Diggory. Maybe Cedric was related to the actor, or something, Harry vaguely wondered.

The sound of Hermione snapping her book shut brought the Boy Who Lived back to reality.

"Oh, you're awake. Have a nice nap?" she asked. Harry always had a soft spot for Hermione, and once in a while, maybe a hard spot. But no, Harry's heart beat only for Ron.

"Yeah, it was nice I guess. Thankfully it was not plagued by dreams of Voldemort." Harry responded. Lately Voldemort was able to do this thing where Harry could see what Voldemort was doing sometimes. Mostly it was just killing or torturing people. Tom Marvolo Riddle, Jr. called himself a merciful Lord, hopefully merciful enough to not connect their heads when Voldemort was using the lavatory.

"That's good," replied Hermione. "I wonder who our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is going to be this year."

"Hopefully not one of Voldemort's apprentices or some Ministry whore." Said Ron, who woke up a few minutes ago. "Seriously, Umbridge is like the slut of the Ministry."

"Why would the Ministry want _her _to be their slut? They're the Ministry, they can do ~much better." Said Hermione, fiddling with the bottom of her shirt.

"We'll just have to find out." Said Harry, looking out the window. He could see the majestic castle of Hogwarts approaching, so they all started changing into their robes.

In case anybody was wondering, in the next compartment over, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle just finished having a big huge Slytherin orgy, when Pansy Parkinson rushed in yelling, "DID I SAY YOU COULD STOP?"

It was an hour or so later, and all the Hogwarts students were seated comfortably in the Great Hall after the last first year was sorted. Dumbledore stood up and all the talking came to a stop.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! We are sure that this year will be very successful. First years, the Forbidden Forest is obviously forbidden. And I am pleased to announce two changes in staffing this year. Teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts, I am pleased to welcome Professor Billy Mays!" Dumbledore gestured to a plump little man with a blue shirt and a bushy brown beard and mustache and a big creepy, sexy smile on his face.

"And while Professor Snape is away doing Death Eater business- I MEAN, uh, HOGWARTS business. Away doing Hogwarts business, filling in for Potions is Professor Vince!" and Dumbledore gestured over to a tall skinny dirty blonde man with a weasel looking face. The students applauded and the feast appeared and everyone stuffed their faces and they were happy.

After the epic first-day-before-school feast, Ron, Hermione and Harry were seated in the Common Room, with Harry nudged a bit closer to Ron. Surprising to Harry, Ron didn't seem to mind.

"I wonder what our new teachers are like." Said Hermione, secretly questioning the closeness of Ron and Harry.

"I don't know. The Vince guy looks a bit shady, but Billy Mays looks horrendously psycho." Said Ron.

"I think _Professor _Billy Mays is the most attractive teacher we've ever had. I think he'll do splendid." Said Hermione, flipping her hair.

"Am I the only one who heard Dumbledore say that Snape 'Death Eater' business before?" said Harry.

"What the devil are you talking about? Snape's on Hogwarts business, not Death Eater business." Said Ron.

Hermione laughed, "Snape's not a Death Eater, Harry."

"What if he is? When Dumbledore said that Snape was away, he said 'Death Eater business' before correcting himself and saying 'Hogwarts Business.' Don't you find that a bit strange?" said Harry.

"Oh please, Harry, you're being silly." Said Hermione as she looked at the clock. "It's getting late, we should get to bed." Hermione got up and started walking towards the girl's dormitories, "Good night."

"WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY EVER BELIEVE ME?" Harry cried.

Ron stood up. "Hermione's right, we should be gettin' to bed, mate."

Harry licked his lips. He wouldn't mind going to bed with Ron.

Little did they know what awaits them the next morning in Defense Against The Dark Arts and Potions class tomorrow.

**Lol guys review. **

**Weasley's writing the next chapter.**

**I'm a strong R/Hr supporter btw. Weasley's probably not, but I absolutely adore the pairing. It's just not in this particular fanfiction. ;)**

**Love, Potter.**


	2. The First DADA Lesson lol

**Disclaimer: Still dun own the P-guy, I'd like too, though. **

**HI IT'S POTTER.**

**Weasley has no inspiration or something, idk I think I shall write most of these chapters. XD I think Weasley is going to write something about Sirius. Idk, lol.**

**HP AND THE BIG CITY SLIDER STATION CHAPTER TWO GO.**

The room was dark, the candles were lit, and the sheets were made of silk. Harry closed his eyes as the ginger headed boy crawled on top of him. Harry opened his emerald green ORBS and looks into Ronald's sparkling crystal blue ones, it was like looking into the another dimension. A wild, passionate sexy Weasley filled dimenson. Yummy. Ron slipped his hand down the dark haired boy's pants and started giving him a good ol' wankin' hand job, before replacing his hand with his mouth~ and Harry gasped and moaned at the boy's ministrations.

"Oh yes, Ron, that feels good. Don't stop!" screamed Harry.

"Excuse me?" said a voice from the outside world.

Harry bolted upright and looked around the room, and saw Neville Longbottom, aka God, giving him a horrified expression.

"Do I want to know why you were moaning Ron's name in your sleep?" he asked, putting on his ninja outfit.

"No, and why are you wearing a ninja outfit?" asked Harry.

"I'm Neville fucking Longbottom. I don't need a reason for my actions."

"Of course, sir."

"Damn right you're callin' me sir. Now go make me somethin' delicious."

"I'm not a house-elf."

"You're a house-elf if I say you're a house-elf, bitch." snarled Neville. God, he was so hot. And God-like.

After a delectable breakfast filled with Hermione readin' some books, Harry giving Ron hungry looks, and Ron being ginger, the GOLDEN TRIO headed for their first class of the day: Defense Against the Dark Arts.

They walked into the all too familiar classroom and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, except that their new professor was no where to be seen.

"I wonder where our new teacher is?" asked Ron, sitting down.

"Probably getting sexified- I MEAN, ready for the lesson." said Hermione. Harry and Ron stared at her for a good, long time.

"lolololololol." said Draco Malfoy, sitting down at the table across from Ron and Harry. He was holding Goyle on a leash.

The whole class was silent, twittering around in their seats awkwardly, waiting for their professor. Most of them were nervous 'cause most of the DADA teachers they had in the past were ANTS AT A PICNIC. Then out of nowhere, all of the sudden, out of the blue there was a crashing sound…

"HI, BILLY MAYS HERE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELVES AGAINST THE DARK ARTS."

Professor Billy Mays burst in through the ceiling and stood up, dusting himself off and smiling sexy-like.

'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.' thought Draco.

"The Dark Arts gettin' you down? You need to defend yourselves against them? WELL I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU NEED." Professor Billy Mays pulled out a square object that looked like a portable grill, almost. "THE BIG CITY SLIDER STATTION. IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TOOL IN FIGHTING DARK WIZARDS. MR. MALFOY CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME DEMONSTRATE, THANKS."

Draco looked skeptical for a moment, then stood up in front of the class. He got up there, and then without warning, Professor Billy Mays whacked him over the side of the head as hard as he could with the Big City Slider Station. It made a loud CLANG (onomatopoeia bitches) as it ~collided with Draco's skull and he fell to the floor. The class gasped, and Harry and Ron stifled a lol.

"AND THEN YOU USE SOME ORANGE GLO TO CLEAN UP THE BLOOD OFF THE FLOOR." Professor Billy Mays looked at Ron. "LOL IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A GRATUITIOUS AMOUNTS OF ORANGE GLO ON YOUR HEAD. LOL TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR." Professor Billy Mays took out a container of Orange Glo and started wiping the floor. "AND OH LOOK, I GOT SOME BLOOD ON MY SHIRT. THAT CAN BE EASILY FIXED WITH OXY CLEAN!" Professor Billy Mays waved his wand and a fricken huge tub of Oxy Clean appeared on everyone's desk. Everyone looked really confused, scared, or weirded out, but Hermione just looked like she was having an orgasm.

Draco Malfoy slowly came to consiousness. His head was pulsing and he was very dizzy. 'Ughh... my head… wtf happened…' he thought. He opened his eyes and saw his Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher staring back at him.

And at that precise moment is when Draco Malfoy fell hopelessly in love with Professor Billy Mays.

**LOL HAI PLOT TWIST.**

**You review now.**

**Love, Potter.**


	3. Message to our readers

HEY EVERYONE

WEASLEY AND I HAVE DECIDED TO PUT THIS ON HIATUS CAUSE BILLY MAYS JUST DIED AND STUFF. AND WE CAN'T WRITE THIS WHILE WE ARE IN MOURNING OF THE GENIUS THAT IS BILLY MAYS.

CAPS4BILLYMAYS!!

R.I.P BILLY!

And a big shoutout to Michael Jackson.

Good night, sweet prince. May a choir of angels sing thee to thy rest.


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